Breath of Bliss

I have been searching – for a very long time – for something to crack me open more. In some circles of friends, I would be considered fairly connected to myself, someone that digs deep and contemplates my life. But like an onion, life (and people) are made up of many layers.

There is always the itch that it’s the city I live in, perhaps the house I’m in, or the people I am connected with that needs to change for me to be truly happy and content. But after years of this “work” on myself, I know better. I am still the one holding myself back. So for the last seven years, I have tried to hold constant on a lot of the things that used to distract me (in my last decade) to a minimum. Things like: moving into a new home or city, changing careers/jobs (I have ebbed and flowed a bit), but I have resisted massive change there.

Well, my city – Prince George BC, a city I love dearly – is not the spiritual or connected place – at least in my mind. We are many beautiful things, but soulful, spiritual and conscious are not things I connect to my experience here. That’s why I do trips to Arizona, Vancouver, Sunshine Coast and Bowen Island.

As with all things, it depends where you look and also for me – what I am open to and when I was ready.

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”

I recently found a beautiful, spiritual, soulful and conscious community I had no idea existed in the City of PG. Bobbi, my studio partner, has been raving about this woman Carla Wainwright for the last few months, especially after her trip to Mexico. I was never drawn to going to Chinook Yoga classes as I did my once or twice a year yoga class at the YMCA.

A few weeks ago Bobbi came back and could not put into words her experience from a “Breath of Bliss” workshop that she did with Carla. For some reason, it sparked my interest. Probably because I didn’t know too much about it, but I could feel the expansive energy from Bobbi. I knew I just had to try it myself.

It sounds like breathing for 2hrs, but it is SO MUCH MORE! Once again reinforcing to me how powerful our bodies truly are as guides and vessels in our lives. After one 2 hour session of breathing – yes, sounds like it would be hard but time flies by so quickly – I was hooked.

I signed up for a 4 week – Breath of Bliss series with the theme “Gifts of Imperfection” (from the book of one of my favs – Brené Brown).

Today was the first day.

The session flew by quickly and I sat at the closing circle unable to express what I had experienced. I literally opened my mouth and all sound and air disappeared. I think my body knew there was not the time or enough words to encompass what I experienced in the socially acceptable 30sec – a minute that people usually take to share. So I quickly apologized and then said I would journal.

So here it is…

My version of journalling recently has been to stretch my creative muscle, draw, paint and write from my heart in this whimsical watercolor style.

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Some of the overarching experiences that came out of this included:

  1. Childlike joy of kids
  2. Birthing (not of kids)
  3. Opening of the Solar Plexus Chakra

Backstory on Childlike Joy of Kids.

One of my reasons for going today was to carve time AWAY from my kids. It’s summer and as much as I love my kids, I am doing the mama dance of trying to juggle work and time with them.

It’s a hard place to be for most, but especially A-Type personalities.

Instead of placing them into camp this year (like we have in the past years), we have been trying to give them more “free time” to explore, which resulted in a near nervous breakdown yesterday as my husband was away on a project. So, coming into today’s Breath of Bliss… I was hoping that kids was not one of the topics that would come up.

What we resist persists.

My partner in the class started the sharing portion with, “when I am authentic, I am…”, and from there she spoke all about being loving, slowing down and allowing kids to flow versus controlling or over guiding them.

I knew it was my work for today too as tears streamed slowly as she spoke. Oneness.

As I thought back to my day yesterday, I was laughing at myself as no matter how I ‘upped the anti and threats’ the kids still enjoyed themselves. Darn Joy! 🙂 At one point, I had put them both into their shared room to “cool down”. Laughter came out of the room within minutes as I was left stewing in my room. OH THE INJUSTICE of being a parent!

My search for order when it comes to my kids – good manners, well rounded interests as we bend over backwards to give them all the experiences, a clean and perfect house – has sent me into a crazy mama that freaks out. So as I lay on the floor breathing in circles, the wave of laughter at myself came out – the weight of being a parent that is always “right” dropped off and once again I have learned (the same lesson I might add… ) that I am not their teacher but instead their student.

My role is not to bully them into behaving but instead to create the space for joy, not just in my kid’s lives, but in my own.
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As the breathing continued, it rippled into me thinking about work.

I love my work. I feel in full gratitude that I am an entrepreneur that gets to do the work I do. But what once was vulnerable and courageous work of stepping outside the box has now become routine and less joyful. It fills my heart to do the community work that I do. It stretches my somewhat introverted soul to be in front of a crowd or community and to speak my truth, but the bread crumbs over the last few years has been then why am I not in JOY – childlike wonder and laughter JOY – when I do my work?

This is a common look on my face during my events or work. Shots by photographers of our events who have been given the unfortunate task of “capture me smiling, like I am having fun”. My peers have called it my “work face”.

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What is that saying? “First time an accident, second time a coincidence and third time a conspiracy!”

I swear I have more fun than these faces show above. Yet, my heart screams for more joy and laughter. So childlike joy – unorchestrated childlike joy was a message that screamed out at me. Through the breathing and dreamlike flow of thinking came the realization that my mantra of “faster is better” needs to go out the window. SLOWING things down and seeing the colours (and beauty & magic) is now on the menu.

Ok. Long enough post for today. Tomorrow, I will share the 2nd theme of “birthing” that happened when I slowed down the breathing. Don’t worry friends, it’s not about having more kids!

PS. Here’s a picture of the ripple effect ALREADY from just today… More details in tomorrow’s post. (Click here to read tomorrow’s post)

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